Lana Del Rey strikes at the heart of dark power, with binding spell against Trump

by Nicholas Pendergast

Ah, magic, an ancient weapon and key to all human kind’s hopes and fears.

In the last week, witches have been abuzz with a grand plan to strike the 45th President of the United States with some hardcore binding spells. In retort, groups of Christian mystics have created a prayer shield to protect Donald Trump with anti-magic magic. Gee, you’d be surprised what you can come up with after drinking the blood of Christ.

One could only hope that Lana Del Rey is conjuring a bout of extreme “Summertime Sadness” to bring down Trump. The 16-time award winning celebrity and singer who dominated the turn of our decade with hits like “Born to Die” and “Video Games” has been hanging around since the release of her commercially successful Honeymoon album in 2015.

Witches droppin’ magic on the carpet. (Getty Sarah Swinford / EyeEm)

At midnight tonight, Lana will be participating in the ritual’s first stage, and she encourages her followers to collaborate with a hex of their own. The ingredients required are simple to obtain and the spell is very easy to cast. If things don’t work out, assume the prayer shield was too strong. If nothing else, go out into the real world and level up a bit before coming back to cast dark matter bombs on the main boss.

“Plaaaaaaaaaaaying video games.”

Witches have been outspoken about their intentions to avoid harming Donald Trump. Yeah, it’s one of those spells, or at least it’s a delicate dance around the very serious national security protocols in place against hexing the Commander & Chief with some serious telekinetic attacks.

A Facebook group has been designed to help bring together all of the world’s white witches content to “tie him up with rope and take away his bullhorn,” as one Wiccan so eloquently put it. The spell starts at midnight tonight.

“Say you’ll remember, oh baby say you’ll remember.”

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